Even More Silly-ish-er Quotes
Should have done this post on April first, and even thought about slipping in one "fake" Neil quote like... "Blimey that Quotable Neil site is the best! Pip pip and all that!" And have readers guess which one was the April Fool quote... But then reconsidered. SO here's some strange, silly, or oddball quotes on the opposite end of April.
--RRNN
“Got to issue my first piece of directorial advice to an actor today. "You're dead." I said. "Your motivation is to stay in one place and rot." Which he did, just fine.”
-- Neil Gaiman 11/20/02
“British supermarket chain Tesco's officially deny that they are routinely using black widow spiders for pest control purposes. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me.”
--Neil Gaiman 11/27/02
“They just don't teach Inventive Victorian Serial Killers and their Hotels Of Death in school enough these days.”
-- Neil Gaiman 11/27/02 (When asked by a fan why more attention hadn’t been paid to H.H. Holmes)
“I'm not sure that I'm managing to make the easy conceptual leap from the one to the other that you're essaying here: seems a bit like you're going "you say you hate oranges, but you like sushi, and I say this sushi is orange, so explain that if you can, young man". But I'm happy to clarify both sets of ideas, and hope it helps.”
-- Neil Gaiman 06/10/02 (In an exchange too strange to recount here with any sort of clarity)
“For some reason, most people have decided that now is a good time to ask questions that need long, well-considered answers. All I can suggest is that, if this applies to you, you ask your question again when I'm a bit less crazed.”
– Neil Gaiman 03/24/05
“Furball is an astonishingly fat cat. She is so fat that many people, on seeing her for the first time, start impromptu comedy routines ("Is that a cat or a pumpkin? That cat's so fat you could use it as a pillow! I'm not saying that cat's fat, but, well, she is pretty fat, actually." etc.) She's a long-haired confection of orange, white and black, and is faintly reminiscent of a calico feline walrus. Her many skills include convincing everyone in the house, and some people who are just passing through, that she hasn't been fed in weeks, and convincing gullible songbirds that a cat that heavy and spherical could never jump high enough to be any kind of danger.
Being incredibly fat means that she often sits up on a chair or a sofa, on her haunches, like a person, which can be slightly off-putting. It also means she can't always clean herself properly. She's developing dreadlocks.
So tonight I gritted my teeth, rolled up my sleeves, and washed her. In the sink.
When she stood bolt upright and started trying to sink her claws into the mirror above the sink to get away, I merely smiled and carried on washing her. I knew that cat-claws, while wonderful things, cannot get traction on the glass of a mirror. And that just-trimmed cat-claws can't allow a cat the size and shape of a small walrus to climb sheer glass.
Nobody had explained these simple things to Furball, though, and she went straight up the side of the mirror.
Sooner or later, I'll figure out how.”
-- Neil Gaiman 11/06/02
“It would be very interesting if Morocco was secretly in Britain, probably just outside of Birmingham, and nobody knew it except Borders.”
-- Neil Gaiman 10/25/04
“Snow has gone, so I went out today and hung bars of smelly soap in socks from young apple trees. Do not believe anyone who tells you that hair, urine (human or wolf), deer repellent, dried blood, or any of the other things that are reputed to stop deer eating young apple trees actually work. They don't. You will come out one morning and find nothing but a nibbled-down stump.
Hanging really smelly soap in socks from the trees, however, works like a charm. I used to get it from hotels, but hotel soap has improved too much in recent years, so now I go to the soap aisle of the supermarket, close my eyes, and walk until it gets really unpleasant. It may seem unlikely, or silly, but we have apple trees these days, and we used to only ever have stumps. And very satisfied-looking deer.”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/10/02
“Removed the link to the Babycakes URL for now -- we seem to have slashdotted a little Finnish server. I'll put it back up when they mirror it to somewhere that can cope with people clicking on it.
(You know, I know what I meant, and you probably know what I meant, but that sentence would have been incomprehensible a decade ago....)”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/12/02
Seeing I'm the copyright holder and have every right to grumble, no-one's ever done anything more than take the book or story down, occasionally -- very occasionally -- muttering something hopeless and grumbly like "information wants to be free!" as they do, but mostly being very pleased someone let them know that it was up there.
("No, that's pizza," I want to tell them. "Pizza wants to be free. Concentrate on liberating pizza from evil pizzerias. Information, on the other hand, really hates being free, and is never happier than when manacled to a wall, like Kirk and Spock in some piece of late 70s bondage-oriented slash fiction.")
-- Neil Gaiman 04/10/02
“For those in too much of a hurry to click, slash fiction is basically erotic fan fiction, normally TV series based, pairing off two (er or more I suppose) members of the same sex who don't normally couple for the cameras. From the "/" mark in the middle of "Kirk/Spock" or "K/S" fiction, which is where it all started. ("But Spock," said Kirk, huskily, realising, finally, irrevocably, what his true self had been trying to tell him ever since the beginning of season one, "it's so huge. And it's green." "And it would be logical for you to... touch it, Captain," said Spock. And so on. It's normally written by extremely nice ladies. I have several very sane, respected, and respectable friends who write slash fiction, and do not try to make me read it.)
(I wasn't making up the Knight Rider thing either: I remember a table selling printed fanzine slash fiction, before there was ever a world wide web, with several volumes of "Now impale yourself upon my throbbing gearshift" stories which I thumbed through with delighted and horrified amusement. But then, I was never a David Hasselhof fan.)”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/10/02
“They also have a full-page photo of me in DreamHaven Books a couple of weeks ago, and, for the curious, since I was just sent it, here's a scan (I think the yellow blotches are just from the scan, not from the photo, and probably not from me)...”
-- Neil Gaiman 09/10/05
“Too tired for a sensible post.”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/12/02
And because any REAL quote that mentions this site bears showing here:
“I was going to link to the Quotable Neil website as a way of avoiding posting, and I realised on reading http://quotableneil.blogspot.com/2006/04/random-quotes-of-arbitrary-sort.html that one of the good things about having a blog for years and years is that your opinions change -- my opinion of webcomics, for example, has gone way up since that early 2002 post, mostly because that Scott McCloud would insist on pointing me at good ones...”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/21/06
--RRNN
“Got to issue my first piece of directorial advice to an actor today. "You're dead." I said. "Your motivation is to stay in one place and rot." Which he did, just fine.”
-- Neil Gaiman 11/20/02
“British supermarket chain Tesco's officially deny that they are routinely using black widow spiders for pest control purposes. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me.”
--Neil Gaiman 11/27/02
“They just don't teach Inventive Victorian Serial Killers and their Hotels Of Death in school enough these days.”
-- Neil Gaiman 11/27/02 (When asked by a fan why more attention hadn’t been paid to H.H. Holmes)
“I'm not sure that I'm managing to make the easy conceptual leap from the one to the other that you're essaying here: seems a bit like you're going "you say you hate oranges, but you like sushi, and I say this sushi is orange, so explain that if you can, young man". But I'm happy to clarify both sets of ideas, and hope it helps.”
-- Neil Gaiman 06/10/02 (In an exchange too strange to recount here with any sort of clarity)
“For some reason, most people have decided that now is a good time to ask questions that need long, well-considered answers. All I can suggest is that, if this applies to you, you ask your question again when I'm a bit less crazed.”
– Neil Gaiman 03/24/05
“Furball is an astonishingly fat cat. She is so fat that many people, on seeing her for the first time, start impromptu comedy routines ("Is that a cat or a pumpkin? That cat's so fat you could use it as a pillow! I'm not saying that cat's fat, but, well, she is pretty fat, actually." etc.) She's a long-haired confection of orange, white and black, and is faintly reminiscent of a calico feline walrus. Her many skills include convincing everyone in the house, and some people who are just passing through, that she hasn't been fed in weeks, and convincing gullible songbirds that a cat that heavy and spherical could never jump high enough to be any kind of danger.
Being incredibly fat means that she often sits up on a chair or a sofa, on her haunches, like a person, which can be slightly off-putting. It also means she can't always clean herself properly. She's developing dreadlocks.
So tonight I gritted my teeth, rolled up my sleeves, and washed her. In the sink.
When she stood bolt upright and started trying to sink her claws into the mirror above the sink to get away, I merely smiled and carried on washing her. I knew that cat-claws, while wonderful things, cannot get traction on the glass of a mirror. And that just-trimmed cat-claws can't allow a cat the size and shape of a small walrus to climb sheer glass.
Nobody had explained these simple things to Furball, though, and she went straight up the side of the mirror.
Sooner or later, I'll figure out how.”
-- Neil Gaiman 11/06/02
“It would be very interesting if Morocco was secretly in Britain, probably just outside of Birmingham, and nobody knew it except Borders.”
-- Neil Gaiman 10/25/04
“Snow has gone, so I went out today and hung bars of smelly soap in socks from young apple trees. Do not believe anyone who tells you that hair, urine (human or wolf), deer repellent, dried blood, or any of the other things that are reputed to stop deer eating young apple trees actually work. They don't. You will come out one morning and find nothing but a nibbled-down stump.
Hanging really smelly soap in socks from the trees, however, works like a charm. I used to get it from hotels, but hotel soap has improved too much in recent years, so now I go to the soap aisle of the supermarket, close my eyes, and walk until it gets really unpleasant. It may seem unlikely, or silly, but we have apple trees these days, and we used to only ever have stumps. And very satisfied-looking deer.”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/10/02
“Removed the link to the Babycakes URL for now -- we seem to have slashdotted a little Finnish server. I'll put it back up when they mirror it to somewhere that can cope with people clicking on it.
(You know, I know what I meant, and you probably know what I meant, but that sentence would have been incomprehensible a decade ago....)”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/12/02
Seeing I'm the copyright holder and have every right to grumble, no-one's ever done anything more than take the book or story down, occasionally -- very occasionally -- muttering something hopeless and grumbly like "information wants to be free!" as they do, but mostly being very pleased someone let them know that it was up there.
("No, that's pizza," I want to tell them. "Pizza wants to be free. Concentrate on liberating pizza from evil pizzerias. Information, on the other hand, really hates being free, and is never happier than when manacled to a wall, like Kirk and Spock in some piece of late 70s bondage-oriented slash fiction.")
-- Neil Gaiman 04/10/02
“For those in too much of a hurry to click, slash fiction is basically erotic fan fiction, normally TV series based, pairing off two (er or more I suppose) members of the same sex who don't normally couple for the cameras. From the "/" mark in the middle of "Kirk/Spock" or "K/S" fiction, which is where it all started. ("But Spock," said Kirk, huskily, realising, finally, irrevocably, what his true self had been trying to tell him ever since the beginning of season one, "it's so huge. And it's green." "And it would be logical for you to... touch it, Captain," said Spock. And so on. It's normally written by extremely nice ladies. I have several very sane, respected, and respectable friends who write slash fiction, and do not try to make me read it.)
(I wasn't making up the Knight Rider thing either: I remember a table selling printed fanzine slash fiction, before there was ever a world wide web, with several volumes of "Now impale yourself upon my throbbing gearshift" stories which I thumbed through with delighted and horrified amusement. But then, I was never a David Hasselhof fan.)”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/10/02
“They also have a full-page photo of me in DreamHaven Books a couple of weeks ago, and, for the curious, since I was just sent it, here's a scan (I think the yellow blotches are just from the scan, not from the photo, and probably not from me)...”
-- Neil Gaiman 09/10/05
“Too tired for a sensible post.”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/12/02
And because any REAL quote that mentions this site bears showing here:
“I was going to link to the Quotable Neil website as a way of avoiding posting, and I realised on reading http://quotableneil.blogspot.com/2006/04/random-quotes-of-arbitrary-sort.html that one of the good things about having a blog for years and years is that your opinions change -- my opinion of webcomics, for example, has gone way up since that early 2002 post, mostly because that Scott McCloud would insist on pointing me at good ones...”
-- Neil Gaiman 04/21/06
posted by Really_Rather_Not_Nice at 8:56 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for posting these- I just had a lovely random troll through the archives as a result.
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